At 6:43 AM on
Thursday, September 30, 2004
*Ashamed*
What have I been thinking? Dying? Suicide? Internal destruction? Damn. No way. No way.
I am me. And I am not someone who gives up because of a setback, no matter how huge it is. I am me. And I will persevere til the end. Sweat, toil, bleed. Til I get there.
Im still resolute not to swear. Swear as in cursing, muttering vulgarities.. Or even thinking about them. It is not nice at all. Everyday, I will count the number of vulgarities I utter and try to reduce them... uurgh.
I know my friends have faith in me. I have faith in myself. And in Him. And that is enough. No one is here to break my fall. I will get up. On my own. And walk the path I choose, and shape my own destiny.
I am the architect of my own destiny.
I shape my own future.
May God bless me.
=)
Love,Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
At 8:45 AM on
Monday, September 27, 2004
Today, in a pretty rosy afternoon, while I was doing some tongue-fighting with a Devil follower, I received a call that heated up my whole face. Which is bad, because when this usually happens, my face will burn, I will feel feverish, my knees go weak, and all these happen rather simultaneously. I hated it. I hated that call. It blew the courageous front I have been adopting bravely for the past few hours and days! That shithead.
The Devil thing also saw my sudden drop of energy. It was so obvious, even to myself. If this country was any democratic, I wish there was an excuse to murder someone. Kidding~.
Oh and anyway, the previous entry's title was due to the fact that I felt that I must at least complete my semester before silencing myself. Nobody can say I did a half-hearted job then. I wish I can postpone this til after my whole entire course, but.. you know.
School has become a nuthouse. Everyone looks so tired that the fatigue was contagious! Classes were halved and even cancelled! I dont see how anyone can last another 2 weeks more. Let alone me. Ha ha ha. See? I dont even know what the heck I have been typing away about for the past .. ten minutes? Okay. Got to go catch some sleep now. Be right back to alter this entry if I ever feel like it.
Oh I'm sure I will.
Love,
Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
At 6:17 AM on
There is no use in convincing me otherwise.
The messages, the encouragement, the support that I have been receiving from my dearest of dearest friends are not lost on me.
But...
I just dont want to think anymore.
I just dont want to think anymore.
I dont want to think..
No more thinking...
No more thinking...
No more thinking...
No more thinking..
Think no more..
No thoughts...
No thoughts..
Just silence..
-silence-
Love,
Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
At 9:59 PM on
Sunday, September 26, 2004
I am so tempted to mutter a string of vulgarities. They are going through my mind now. But I have made a resolution to reduce my temper. I want to be the person I used to be; calm and patient. That's how I was... there was even a guy friend who admired my patience so much he wrote a song about it. That was a few years ago. The very change, not only destroyed my very being, but some other things as well~
Tell me how I am supposed to forget about that monster. I cannot believe how tortured he is making me feel.
It begins this way....
At night... I will dream of him and me, making out, hugging.. OR he is running away again.
When I wake up... I will have this burning ache in me, missing, hankering after him.
At mid-noon... I will feel this really strong surge of hatred towards him.
In the afternoon... good memories will visit my unsuspecting mind. (Like yesterday, I was out with a friend, walking and talking normally, when I saw him hugging me in my mind)
In the evening... I will feel mad and angry.
At night... I will feel numb and I will not think much at all.
The cycle continued over and over again, until today.
I pray that it will all end soon.
Of course, I still love him.
And I stand by what I said before, there is a light in him that nobody else sees.
But it is too bad and too sad that he would rather let the Devil rule his mind.
And ruin my Life.
Ruin all the might-have-beens in my Life.
I am not as evil as him.
I pray that one day God will open his eyes wide and big on a bright lovely day.
May that day be soon. Amin.
(As always, I am way way too kind for such a self-serving shithead. But if I resort to his ways, I will become another shithead too right? So, no way.)
Love,
Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
At 6:51 PM on
Saturday, September 25, 2004
The very first thing I would like to say is, NO, I will not die and give him that satisfaction.
These few days, as I feel very depressed, I was also touched by the concern that my friends showed. Friends that I have not been contacting for so long... also appeared in my picture again.
Krystal, thank you for that dedication in your blog. I truly appreciate it. =) *hugs*
It is true. Everyone of them says it is difficult for me to just stand up and be strong. Because, everyone I know and those who had been close to me, saw how all out I went for this "bond". And really, I did. I went all out. I placed him above my fatigue, my tightly-packed schedule, etc.. Until it seemed to him that I am a very free person. Truly, I am not. He would be shocked if he knew just how bad my timeslots are. I never really complained much if I only had less than an hour's sleep before going on a date with him. But he did, complain and complain and complain.
He never was really financially well-0ff. And in lots of cases, I bail him out of this situation using my own school money. Which decreased a lot. Until it hit zero one day. I didnt mind, as long as I could spend time with him.
He had always had an unpredictable anger, and a very short fuse. I still remember crying hysterically to get him back to his senses. On the phone, where he would further spite me with nonchalant behaviors. There was also a time when things turned physical. I vividly recall the day when he kicked my legs til they became weak. And slapped my face. Pulled my hair. He forgot he was a guy and when he did all these, he did not held back any strength. I told myself that no girl should tolerate this. But as a lovefool, I gave him an unspoken chance.
In the beginning of our time together, I made the mistake of allowing his anger and ego to reign. It continued reigning, until I decided to make a stand for myself. If he started to display any of those things, I would fight it. I did. And maybe that was my mistake. His ego could not tolerate being challenged. Of course, how can anyone be loving and angry at the same time? I was not born to be angry, so I cooled down fast. And he would still be mad. And I became mad again. In short, I became an emotional idiot. But everytime he put me down, I would silently forgive him and give him another unspoken chance.
When he decided to leave, he told me that I was not perfect enough for him. He said he gave me enough chances. My heart shattered. It was a very all-rounded blow that hit my already vulnerable self.
And on a very sordid morning, he called and told me he is in love. With another girl. I nearly died. I wished the earth below me would just split open and swallow me up. I was thinking, "Gosh, when will my heart stop breaking already?" If my heart was shattered before, I cannot even begin to imagine what to liken the state of my heart to, right now. He said she is the perfect one.
These are just some of the things that I can remember for now...
Yet..
Why is he so lucky?
He has a wonderful and lovingly supportive family.
He has a charm that makes girls fall all over for him.
He has a string of friends that are always there with him.
Why do good things happen to bad people?
I do not know when I will be able to look upon all these and laugh. Everyday, memory after memory will pass through my head. Either they will make me miss him, or make me really feel like killing him. It can be anywhere out in the streets and I can begin crying all over again.
Yet, I pray that God will enlighten him someday.
My friends say...
He doesnt deserve my love.
My love is too good for him.
He is cruel. (Which I think so too.)
He is selfish.
He is a Devil.
He is a jerk. (I thought so too.)
He doesnt deserve any love at all.
He is really damn stupid not to
appreciate my purity.
My head is going to explode from thinking too much. But I am lucky too. I do have friends who help keep me sane. Who force me to eat. Who force me to laugh. Who force a smile out of me.
Who willingly gives me a hug. I do have a normally functioning family. I am smart. I am intelligent. And at the very least, I have a heart. I will never backstab anyone this way.
I dont know why I am spilling all these things here. But I guess I need some form of written outlet. I dont care what outsiders say when they read these things. But one note I wish to say...
If you are a girl, please take very good care of yourself.
This isnt about girl power.
This is about self-respect.
Never allow yourself to be undermined,
Especially by a guy.
As Krystal said, nothing is forever. I wanted so much to believe in his promises of everlasting love, that, as Linn said, I refuse to see everything else that is going wrong. Until everything backfired on me. Just like that. As an aside, that at a very bad timing as well. My school schedule is at its nuttiest right now.
If God takes everything else that I own, I am glad He still allows me to keep my sense of humanity... and of course.. my sanity.
Love,
Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
At 6:40 PM on
Friday, September 24, 2004
Very selfish...
Very self-centered...
Very cruel...
Very stupid...
Very irresponsible...
Very ugly...
Who else but his truly?
Love,
Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
At 10:42 PM on
Thursday, September 23, 2004
For the past 2 weeks that I was completely filled with misery...
When I was feeling extremely weak and thoughts of Death filled my mind...
He came along...
Through it all
He offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call
He won't forsake me...
There is still hope and purpose in surviving...
Love,
Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
At 9:48 PM on
for another that's already shattered
I wish I can go for some memory annihilation... so I would completely forget that this issue that took up a good part of my youth. The last time, Hasni was also a completely defeatist _ _ _ _. But he was one, in his own way. The purity of his selfishness was astounding. My anger was only to a little extent. I remember wasting a good $300 on him. Blah. Then.. Shamir. His self-appraisal went way overboard, and he would walk the Earth, like King. Strangely though, he couldn't handle affection. So, he took off. But he was kind. He helped me to pillow my hurt. Didn't let me handle it alone. At the end, I remember, I gave him an orange-pink canberra to thank him for helping me through the entire period. Benjamin. That one is a total miser. Ack.
Now, damn, even remembering his name is painful, typing would seal it.
Anyway... I almost.. .... .... ... ... .. got... .. ... _ _ _ _ _ ... last night.. Should have gone home..
Love,
Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
At 7:49 AM on
Where am I now? At another cyber cafe... met my friends just now. Lovely people. Knowing how upset I am and being concerned, they wanted me to eat. I havent eaten.. since like.. ??? I cannot even remember. But all I knew was I wasnt even hungry. My stomach was completely full by sadness. But they made me eat, or they would starve along with me. But I knew they were hungry. So I ate.
Guys, that was very sweet. =)
(Although the food sucked like... _ _ _ _!!!)
And to another person who dont read this blog, I also want to thank you. Your messages were very sweet. I havent had that for a long time. Amongst the msgs I received was;
"Girl, I don't know what happened to you. But I want you to know that I care for you. Do not do anything foolish. Death will not end misery. If you need me, I can hear you out."
"All I know is that you don't deserve all this shit you are facing now. You are a nice girl. I am happy if I can share your sorrows."
"It is painful to think of the Thing that makes you so pained. But you are not alone. We are here to share your burden. Friends share your happiness and your sorrows."
Someone laughed at me and asked me, "Where are all your so-called buddies?"
To that person, they are with me, right where I want them to be.
Why do bad things happen to good people?
Why do bad people get away with their bad things?
A very close friend told me, bad things happen to good people.. but the extent of it is small.. but bad people will get it rough.. I hope that's true.
Love,
Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
At 7:44 AM on
Putting my ego down,
Putting my pride down,
Be a completely submissive freak,
Be completely tolerant,
In other words,
Be dumb,
Just be someone prideless,
Place really faith-filled hopes,
On defeatists.
All the losses I ended up with...
My ego smashed,
My pride shattered,
My soul stripped bare,
Get slapped,
Get spat on,
Get pushed,
Get cuts,
Get bruises,
Lie on the ground broken, and in despair.
Love,
Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
At 6:10 AM on
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
"You are a lost _____ without a _____"..
That was enough. In my entire life, there had only been one time when I was bruised with betrayal and insult. And that sadness was so intense that I ended up vomiting. Weird. Because that never happened before. And it happened for the second time today. I walked down the dark street and started to vomit. Board the bus and started crying. I was sitting beside this guy, who gave up the whole 2 seats for me, so I could cry alone...
And cry, I did.
I tried to hold back my tears. But some pain just had to flow.
Virginia Slims, here I come.
Love,
Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
At 9:36 PM on
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Than irritants.
"I am a hopeless person. I cannot do much. So please go find someone else to do it." Defeatists are really irritating creatures walking the Earth. It is very disheartening dealing with these sort of people. Of course, having low self-esteem people walking amongst us is not an uncommon thing.. but at least you know that they have a reason to be so unconfident of themselves. But it is so much more worst when the defeatist is a person who has supreme ego and high confidence in himself/herself. Being a defeatist then only becomes a very bad excuse to get out of a very pressurizing situation. A defeatist very easily turns into an escapist.
Enough of those dungheads. I have just ended my attachment assessment! And despite the urm.. so unconvenient hiccups at the start... the whole assessment went very well... and all the comments were good, or very good or excellent. Nothing "just ok". Although the assessor was quite mad with me at the start, the rather smooth procedure of the assessment had helped soothe her. I was quite relieved. Thank goodness. Now is the crisis period... and really, I am turning into a mental zombie retard, of course with extra help from the defeatists, I am becoming a moronic mental zombie retardo. Glamorous sounding but heartbreaking.
Anyway... my great thanks and heartfelt thanks (again) to LiNN... Love you girl. The sms you sent to me was highly encouraging and it was great knowing there ARE people out there who can be trusted. I thought this generation had no more hope already. (Although I still think so).
Love,
Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
At 5:24 AM on
Sunday, September 19, 2004
Blogging used to be THE thing. People will discuss what they see on each other's blogs, and sometimes, it can also be the trigger for old friends to catch up on each other.
"Hey.. I saw what you blogged last night. Are you okay?"
That sort of thing. Now, everything is dead. This is just proof technology does not really get us anywhere forward sometimes. Like the hp. That friend is just 3 buttons away. But the way we all behave these days... 3 continents away. I just got home. Trying to clear my mind, which I of course, failed miserably. Sometimes, I feel that I put myself in a connection too much. People these days are way selfish than they should be. So, I should follow suit. If you ask me, I would sacrifice my own schedule if a friend needs me, or just about anyone. But, when you need them, they are either too busy or they have some other people to rescue. If you know what I mean. *winks*
These days, guys just turn me off. Seriously, I have not met one guy okay enough to say that he could be your pal pal. The practicality of guys are parallel to the emotional antics of girls. And guys will always refuse to compromise because of the three letter word : E G O. They would rather save their own faces, than save their relationships, for instance. It is always always more vital to impress their friends than their own lovers. And I am saying these based on almost all relationships I know and went through. And the best part, later on, they will blame themselves for their failed relationship, then jumped into another, making the same mistake. Well, you can tame a lion, but there is no guarantee it will never eat you up. RigHt? =)
Anyway, the things stress do to friendships are horrible. I am seeing things now. Really seeing things. That's why they say, the older you grow, the lesser things you know.
Love,
Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
At 11:59 PM on
Saturday, September 18, 2004
I'm better left alone, anyway.
Love,
Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
At 5:08 AM on
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Why nightwanderer? It used to fit me being a night all-upper. Staring into the computer screen til way into the early morning. But these days, there is like a whole new twist to the word. Nightwanderer. Wandering til night. Home only enough to be on time for the new morning.
Projects
I thought it was horrible enough when I was way up to about 20 projects above my neck last semester. But this semester is a killjoy. =) I cant even count anymore. Not when I am now, a financial manager, teacher, designer, co-ordinator.. and more, rolled into one. Sucks. =)
Cyber cafes
... ... Rock on. Hip hoppers, goths are now in charge of the place, manz!!! Power dudette!!
Life
... ... Sucks ass.
Politics
Grow up, manz!! This isnt 1998!!
Love,
Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
At 1:44 AM on
Monday, September 13, 2004
In the PC lab, yet again.. Used to have a class at this very moment, but due to God-knows-what,
I am having an empty slot. Bleahs. Stoopidy. Okies. So. There was a presentation earlier in the morning. And our whole lecture received THE warning. Sadly. We are all far too old for those sort of reminders, just like getting into human politics which has nothing to do with the running of the country, but self-pursuit. Sad huh. I can only sit back and watch. As Life just keeps on running.
I am very exhausted. Strong suspecting that I might just break down in exhaustion one day. Really. Sick Sick Sick. Yuck yuck. Meeting the Devil today. He better!!! behave himself! Arck!
Going for now. No mood to blog.. no mood for anything else actually. Just want to lie down and die.
Out and away.
Anna.
Love,
Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
At 11:56 PM on
Saturday, September 11, 2004
I realise that the more you grow up, the lesser things you can be sure of. The fact that you are exposed to the many heartbreaking changes in your Life, the lesser you can put your faith or trust in it. Especially when the said entities are beautifully broken by people you place close to your heart. The shitheads. Ha ha.
These days I have been quite the traveller. I have been wandering to places by myself. While at first, my intention was to shop, so that I can put my mind off certain disturbing things, it soon evolved into something called uncertainty and the feeling of loss. Like the other night, I was at Wisma Atria, I told myself there was something I had to get in Takashimaya. But when I reached Taka, I couldnt even remember what I had to get!!! And I walked back to Wisma. This mindless game lasted for about 3 to 4 hours. The later part of the evening saw me wandering about, again, in Raffles City. Where this time, I played with the different levels of the shopping center. Towards the night, I was delirious.
High on nothing alcoholic. But just, sorrow.
There is certainly no hope for this generation. The reverse effects of humanity are just too much to be ignored to to re-reversed. Sadly, all I can do is just sit and watch. Love,
Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
