At 3:46 AM on
Monday, November 28, 2005
i need to blog this down, for my own sanity. haha. though i know here, i wont get any advices. any whatsoevers. but i guess putting it down keeps my thoughts straight and in order. yesterday my ex picked me up.. and we went out .. remember that we had to go separate ways to keep both of ourselves sane? and there were the smses exchanged.. the irritatingness of it all.. good gracious!
well, perhaps one would guess it. for a while when we were together, it was like it was just us and the rest of the world did not exist. the beauty of the adoration we once had... replayed. he sent me home at the end of the night. it was just .. so pretty. i could not resist.. perhaps it was because i did miss him most of all.
but when i woke up in the morning.. i realised.. what actually happened? why did i let it happen? it was so lovely.. the little exchanges we made.. but what was it, really? suddenly i was overcome by fear. fear.. the blast from the past.. the fear of being hurt.. and i know someone just had to make the first step to sms or call.. i could not bring myself to do it.. and like i expected, he smsed me in the evening.. i was overthrown.. i dont know how to reply.. or what to reply even.. or if i should reply at all... Love,
Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
At 7:25 PM on
Monday, November 21, 2005
I am typing this in spite of myself. Because my mind is actually really very blank. So blank that it is rather amazing all these words are pouring across the screen, as if I am actually thinking. Maybe this just means the human being can never think of nothing. We never stop thinking, do we? We are always thinking. Always worrying. Always missing. Always reminiscing. Always desiring. Always wishing. Always dreaming. Always wanting. Even when we sleep, we never stop thinking. Because our dreams tell us what we have been thinking. Reflects what we have been thinking through the day. Or what we have been wondering about mostly. Thus, this comes to a point that is worrying me. That I have so much things to think about that I am not thinking properly. That I am not myself. That my mind is working on its own. Spinning and spinning.
Had my Hari Raya trip. Ate so much I nearly exploded. My stomach, I meant. I don't know. Enjoyed it so much though. Have never had so much of fun and laughter. These days, I have been, rather unnecessarily tolerating the shit and crap coming out of certain people.. to which, I swear, I am not obliged to. But I guess the soft spot in me.. or the people-diplomacy part of me just wins out. I tear when I read. I tear when I imagine the tone behind the words.
I am tired. and of course, i am aware. i am not alone. I want to watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. But does it just remain yet another plan, yet another unaccomplished dream?
Even a movie takes so much to realise, huh. I don't understand sometimes what I am going through.
Now, I am going to log off. And sleep til tomorrow morning. Love,
Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
At 10:41 PM on
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
i had this dream. the dream was long. but there was this one oart which was raw, purely sincere and that on the whole, made it look and feel so real and sweet. but it was just a dream. ):
whoa. i really cannot stand this blog, where the writer WriTes LyK tHis.. DaMn FoR GoOdNeSs SaKe, do THeY reEALLy ThiNk tHis iS cUtE or SoMeTHiNg? do not make me puke. *rolls eyes.it gives people headache. it is really time-wasting, really implies what a bummer you must be. it reflects some sort of fake impression to be impressive. it really shows that you have nothing good to say so you try to make up for it by confusing people with DiFfEreNt big-small letter words. it really is not cute, damn it. it turns people cross-eyed. and therefore i can understand why you look cross-eyed in some of your own pictures.
and you know what disgusts me most these days? How the most beautiful three words in this world are being used IN VAIN! now, what are these three words? Simple: I-Love-You. How do you know you love someone for real? When you have seen all his bad points, all his good points, and decide you still want to be with him anyway. Love is a very deep emotion. It is long and withstanding. It does not really come easily. It will not go easily. You dont just say "I Love You" just for the sake of saying it. Just for routine. Just for procedure. It does NOT work like that. These three words should be used when you are dead sure. When it is no longer infatuation, no longer a crush.. no longer like.. no longer.. some fleeting flirty hype of the moments. So sad. These words no longer have true meaning. Love,
Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
At 10:21 AM on
Sunday, November 06, 2005
i am hooked onto another rpg game- spent 7 hours yesterday in the same sitting position playing my playstation. it is a good distraction for me i suppose, from all the fegging situations nagging at the back of my head. i just hate it. really hate it.. when u lose a friend simply because he or she is attached. and then he or she returns to you when he or she is no longer with anyone or when he or she needs a listening ear when some problem crops up. what kind of friend is that? of course i respect the whole relationship issue but still? what are friends then? temporary support system? i don't know, man. seen this happening over and over again until it begins to make no sense to me at all.
and how about the people close to you changing right before your very eyes such that you just cannot feel the connection between you and them anymore? like the connection just died within you. died, and you feel so helpless because there is nothing you can do about it. you just watched it die. before your very eyes. and although physically you are one, you know you are divided.
i am tired. exhausted, even. let me rest. let me recharge my energy. but it feels nearly impossible .. because it seems like my grip on the metal bar is loosening. best part is, does anyone even know this?
it is true. friends for laughter are so easy to find. friends to share your sadness.. rare. Love,
Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
At 10:55 PM on
Friday, November 04, 2005
this may be quite the long entry. because. ah well, because i just want to blog la! found out about certain truths for two nights in a row. one was a good bloody wake up call for me. and well, it also created this megafeckinghuge defense system within myself. like i am being hurt again. and there i was resolving to never be hurt again. and then i got hurt again. you know that feeling? and then there is the wanting to remain strong and also wanting to be weak but have to stay strong for the sake of being strong? yeah. that feeling too.
ah and where have all my friends gone to. eaten up by the work world? excuses yeah. for instance, joe has gone missing. my buddy. gone with the wind. yeah, i understand he is attached now and all. so yeah. attached people do not need friends. do they? only when they are down and out? so what are friends for? onlywhenyouneedme service? whatever. and some certain people too. i was there when an ear was needed to brave the torrents of tears. but look now. look at NOW. where have they disappeared to?
school. school is always such a happy thing. now its gotten happier a place to be. with people just claiming posts. yeah. yayness. and individual workloads. and group work. and mountains of expectations. do i have all that energy to summon? now that the outside world is crumbling onto me nicely, yeah maybe i should enslave myself to work and more work. just work. no social life. no more movies. no shopping. arh, which reminds me. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire! watching alone now, no doubt. ha ha ha. never mind lor.
anyyyways, hope tomorrow will be a better better day yeah. going to watch Zorro. and have a look at this particular pair of shoes. hrm. i know i know i said no more shopping.. but hey i can have a Last Meal/Purchase, yeah? so sad, but at peace yet frustrated. whatever.
ok enough of my rantings for the day. Love,
Lady under the Invisibility Cloak*
